Brady's most emasculating posts yet!

The actor and director Jonah Hill woke up in his beachfront Malibu home this morning and opened his telephone hoping, perhaps, his ex who’d been splashing their private texts over the internet might’ve run out gas, moved on etc, only to discover Congreve’s great line no one is angrier than a woman who has been rejected in love has never been truer in the online age. 

Four days ago, Brady lit a very public fire, dumping a series of what she said were private texts between the pair on Instagram. Brady claimed to be a “survivor” following the  end of a relationship with a man she described as misogynistic and a narcissist. 

Brady said Hill was made sad by her posting bikini shots, the inference being these languid poses suggested sexual availability.

The world quickly sorted itself into two camps, leftists siding with wronged woman bravely navigating the horrors of a controlling man and conservatives taking the hand of a shell-shocked actor who, again, is stung by the dark side of fame. 

And, now, Hill, a keen surfer, has been banned from surfing one of the world’s great waves, Hanaeli Bay, on the north shore of Kauai. 

Andy Irons, you’ll remember, poured his entire fortune into a house at Hanalei Bay. 

“I call it the Hanalei Bomber. It’s radical, it’s my dream,” he told me two weeks before he died in 2010. “I grew up across the street in my dad’s tool shed that we turned into a bedroom and it’s four houses across from the water. It’s everything I thought I wouldn’t or couldn’t have. It’s more than I could possibly fathom. No one handed it to me. I had to fucken go and do it myself. And, it’s my proudest accomplishment.”

(Andy’s widow Lyndie ultimately had to sell the Bomber with its seventeen-gees annual taxes. It sold for $4.3 mill to a guy from California.) 

Anyway, earlier today Brady posted a message from a supporter who writes, 

“Will do my part to make sure he’s clipped from surfing on Kauai. He was a hazard in the lineup when I saw you guys out at the bay and the only reason no one said anything to him was cause he was with you and you were shredding. There’s enough toxic masculinity in surf culture already, glad you are free of him so you can keep shining and elevating women’s surfing without his bullshit holding you back!”

Brady replied, 

“Thank you!! That was my original intention, to make sure no one was still calling him into waves because they knew him through me haha kinda petty but…

“He got mad at me that day, because I paddled up the point and he was too scared to follow me.” 

Another post followed, even more ominous, 

“If he ever tried to surf Hanalei again he neva get one wave without getting cut off. I’ll pass the world around to the regulators.” 

Here Brady writes, 

“Sometimes localism is the only thing that holds down safety respect and order in the lineup. I’m not condoning violence out of localism, but an order of who gets waves and when based on respect and reputation.” 

Is this Brady’s most emasculating post yet, describing a man she once supposedly loved as a frightened, angry kook whom nobody likes and who, now, will ever, again, enjoy the sublime beauty of a four-foot day at Hanalei? 

Also, the survivor thing. 

When I think survivor I think of brave Malala Yousafzai, shot in the head by Taliban for speaking out against the Afghan regime; I think of nine-year-old Napalm girl Phan Thị Kim Phúc OOnt  running naked after being hit by South Vietnamese bomb; or Aron Ralston who cut his hand off after being trapped by a boulder following a climbing accident. 

I don’t think having a needy ex necessarily puts you in the same league. If you don’t dig ‘em, delete their number, unfollow where necessary and move on. 

Or is that old fashioned, toxic etc?

"Wow you aged pretty badly. Use sunscreen."

It ain’t news that a human’s skin don’t respond real well if you put it under the hammer of the sun’s rayons over the course of a few decades.

And the most vulnerable are the fair of skin and hair. Revisit the cute blond beach bunny twenty years hence and that flawless brown epidermis is now a patch-work of dry scaly patches rendered a horror show by the long-term effects of solar keratoses.

Your old pal, DR, who prefers the occasional surgery to sunscreen was once compared to a crocodile handbag by the wife of a prime minister, although I missed the point of the comparison and figured it was because I was an object of rare beauty that only the most elite could afford. (Hubris!)

Now, Gwyneth Paltrow, mommy blogger, surfer, Nepo Baby, and vendor of candles that smell like the very same pussy where Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck and Chris Martin deposited their rancid genetic code, has inadvertently revealed her own croc-bag skin in a post to her eight million followers.

The photograph shows Paltrow and boyfriend Brad Falchuk blissful beneath a Provencal sun, with additional photos including an old villa and a gorgeous swimming pool.

Paltrow, who is fifty, doesn’t hide her skin behind filters and the damage, if you look hard enough, is clear.

But what price a good life, no?

It sure did infuriate some fans unaccustomed to seeing flaws in their idols.

Look at all the sun damage on your skin. What goop product will fix that.

Wow you aged pretty badly. Use sunscreen

Your sun damage is HORRIFIC

Your skin looks severely Sun damaged! Not a good look or advertisement for your products!

Also, she was/is a smoker. At one point, 2 packs a day. That’s sun damage and smoker’s skin. That’s not just normal aging for a 50 year old.

It doesn’t add up to me. The poster queen for a health and wellness empire having skin that badly sun damaged.

You’ll remember, or maybe not, last year when Paltrow “approached cancellation for providing inappropriate sunscreen advice.”

“Dermatologists were horrified, calling for a severe retraction,” wrote Chas Smith.

Barry D. Goldman, M.D., a clinical instructor at Cornell NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital said, “I do think it’s a bad message. 80-90% of all skin cancers are on the face and neck. I’ve seen many tumors on the eyelids or around the eyes, the forehead. Basically, the whole face should be covered… We think of the whole face as a high-risk area for skin cancer.”

Fans were outraged, calling for an execution.

Some lady on Twitter wrote, “Gwyenth Paltrow really made a video telling people to apply SPF like a highlighter to your face… That’s literally not how it works. It goes on the entire face, neck, & the back of hands.”

(Editor’s note: This story is an attempt to hit the lucrative clickbait market and is, therefore, not aimed at regular habitués of this site and we ask, therefore, that you refrain from cruel and triggering messaging below the line.)

 

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“Ridiculous that you are acting like this is a one-sided problem…..it’s a nation wide problem that attacks the non wealthy!

The three-time world surfing champion and black-belt grappler Joel Tudor, described by Matt Warshaw as “supernaturally graceful”, has taken down presidential hopeful Robert F Kennedy Jr in a wild online exchange over “racist” food.

Kennedy, the jacked-to-hell sixty-nine-year-old former junkie son of murdered attorney general Bobby Kennedy and nephew of murdered president John Fitz Kennedy, has been eating up the news as he chases the Democratic presidential nomination, although his vaccines-cause-autism rhetoric has given him more play on the right than the left.

Now, following an online post by RFK where he visits a black-run organic farm and claims “Urban African-American communities have become food deserts where you cannot find healthy food”, or redlining and racism is hoarding all the good food for da whites, Tudor has come out swinging.

“Awwwww it ain’t just black people who eat like this …it’s all of poor america! Ridiculous that you are acting like this is a one sided problem…..it’s a nation wide problem that attacks the non wealthy! Take a trip to any trailer park in America and you’ll find this scenario has no color!”

Tudor, who is forty-seven, found support even among RFK’s followers.

“it’s not a racial problem it’s an American problem.”

“Maybe call it proper instead of making it a black issue. It is an American issue. Every grocery store across the country has this issue.”

“Color color color… complete nonsense, every single demographic in the US has this issue. Even upper-class families eat garbage because it is damn near impossible to find farms like @whiteoakpastures.”

“I’ve made this point about a dozen times in this thread already. Bulk chicken is leaps and bounds healthier than eating McDonalds, doritos and mt dew every day. I’m not suggesting that a poor family can afford small farm organic meats regularly. I’m saying that if they just used the money they spend on junk food on bulk cheap options like rice, beans, chicken, pork, etc, they would be way healthier than eating KFC.”

“I second this motion. Come down to North Carolina and I’ll show you the same thing @robertfkennedyjr Its not a race thing. It’s just a system to keep poor people poor and more importantly sick. The drug company Bayer owns the seeds and fertilizers and bug killers that go into the crops which is designed to yet again get people sick so we can then go to their hospitals and pay for their drugs. It an evil circle that we won’t get out of until all the Lobbying stops and all the Politicians aren’t bought. Maybe if the politicians weren’t making millions from insider trading, they’d have time to actually fight for America.”

And RFK, who enjoys being everything to everyone, quickly conceded Tudor’s stunning coup de grace, although, you’ll notice, he conspicuously capitalises Native American and Latino while giving whites the short shrift I suppose the bleached devils deserve.

“You are right, the lack of access to healthy food is a widespread problem. Six percent of Americans live in a food desert today, including one in five black households…good apartheid exists all over this nation, from Native American Reservations, to white and Latino communities.”

Question: is the choice really that binary, McDonalds and Mountain Dew vs wildly expensive organic food, or can the average citizen subsist, happily and healthily on industrially farmed fruit, meat and vegetables thus nullifying the racism angle?

 

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